The Meeting
by Adalind
Summary: Janet comes to Trenton to check up on her characters. Ranger goes in the wind and leaves Tank, Lester & Bobby to set out to ruin Janet's plot lines, leaving a trail of chaos in their wake. Can the Merry Men save the day? Maybe not too cupcake friendly.
1. Chapter 1

Challenge response from another board. You had to expand on Ranger's line "No, I'm not sick. Not physically, anyway. I'm not sure sometimes about the mental, emotional, and sexual."

This short is the result of my muse suffering from PMS and lack of chocolate.

* * *

So here I was, sat in Shorty's for my bi-annual meeting with Ms Evanovich. I don't know why she insisted on these meeting, but I always got the feeling that it was in my best interests to attend.

The waitress brought over a pitcher of beer, two glasses and a large pizza with all the trimmings. Without a second thought, I filled both glasses and snagged a large piece of the gooey, cheese laden pie.

She looked at me in amazement as I chewed my first mouthful.

"What happened to the temple, are you sick?" she asked in amazement.

What did she think I was? A rabbit? A hamster? Despite her best intentions in her books, I still ate real food when I knew she wasn't watching.

"No, I'm not sick. Not physically, anyway. I'm not sure sometimes about the mental, emotional, and sexual," I growled. So what if I pissed her off, I hadn't had a decent fuck since book 8 and I was way beyond caring.

"Hmmm," she responded. "Do I detect a little frustration on your part?"

"What do you think?" I muttered. "Least the cop has a sex life. I'm an attractive, virile male and you make me live like a fucking monk. You know, before you came along I had a great sex life. Now I'm constantly horny and frustrated."

"Hmmm," she said again.

"You could at least tell me if Steph's gonna end up in my bed or not at the end of this fiasco," I muttered. "Least that way, I would know if all this frustration was in vain."

"Ahhh," she murmured. "Let me think on it a while..."

I gave her my best intimidating stare and the poor woman gulped. She downed the remains of her beer and stood up, tossing a couple of bills on the table. "Same time and same place in six months?" she asked with a forced smile.

I didn't grace her with a reply, just glared. She smiled weakly and hurried out the door. The bitch! I needed to put a stop to this right now, this acute lack of sex was starting to impinge upon my business, and I wasn't having that.

I slid my cell out of my pocket and hit speed dial 2. Thankfully, Santos answered on the second ring.

"Boss?"

"Got a job for you, distraction, it's right up your street."

"Yeah," he said, sounding puzzled.

"I need to fuck up Ms Evanovich's plot lines, so you're gonna have to take one for the team," I told him.

"Oh man..." Lester whined, not again. Who is it this time?"

"Morelli," I responded.

"Awww, Ric! You know he's not my type. And just what the hell are you going to be doing while I charm the pants off Morelli, thus drawing Janet's attention away from you?" he quizzed.

"I am going to be a very long way away from here, screwing anything that looks pretty."

"Sounds good to me, boss. Okay, deal. I know you need a little fun in your life, but how long do you think you'll need?" he said, sounding resigned to his fate.

"About a week."

"A week?" Les shrieked. "Damn it man, I'm good... but not that good."

"Then bring Bobby in on this," I growled. "I'm sure between the two of you, you can keep Morelli on his back for a week."

"Sure, I guess. What do you want us to do when you get back?"

"Move in with me, and set Steph up with Diesel. That should really fuck with Janet's head."

"Man, you're evil when you haven't gotten laid in a while," Lester teased.

"Tell me about it," I growled.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Yet another one shot that turns out the be something more... Huge thanks to Em for inspiring the muse. Cheers babe, couldn't have done it without your input.

* * *

I was sat on my sofa watching 'Ghostbusters' when I heard a knock at my apartment door. I knew Joe was working tonight, Ranger never knocked and Diesel just popped in. The bad guys always picked the locks. 

I put down my glass of wine and hauled myself off the couch.

"I'm coming," I yelled as I made my way over to the front door.

I squinted through the peephole and saw a woman on the other side of the door. Oh shit... 'That woman.' I had forgotten she was due for a visit.

I pulled the door open and plastered on a fake smile. "Hi Janet, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I brought Cheez Doodles," she said with a smile, brandishing a bag of her favourite snack food.

Great, like that would make it all better. "Would you like a drink?" I quizzed, finally remembering my manners.

"No, I'm fine. How's life treating you then Stephanie?"

I shrugged. "Okay I guess. Why?" Like you think she would know, she writes the damn books and dictates my life.

She smiled at me, "So how's Joe?"

"What, apart from hiding my ex-husband and not telling me, thus making me believe that I was wanted for murder? Great, just fucking great, Janet," I bitched.

She shrugged. "I'm sorry about that. I thought it made a great plot line. Besides, it's been a few weeks, why don't you forgive him. You know he's good for you."

Yikes, she sounded so much like my own mother. "If he's so good for me, tell me why you brought Ranger into the picture?"

Janet laughed. "Bad boy element. The ladies love a bit of that. He's an attractive man, shame he's not what you need."

Not what I need? I glared at Janet. "So you're telling me that Joe is what I need? Do you have stocks is Mallox or something?"

Janet looked at me with a sad expression on her face. "Stephanie, Joe is a good guy and he can take care of you."

"And Ranger can't?" I spat in anger.

"Ranger is... well... Look, he's never going to give you a happily ever after, and that's what needs to be done at the end of the day."

I'd had enough. "Look Janet, you write the damn books, so you can invent any happily ever after you please. Ranger will never be the one if you don't let him. He's a good guy too, remember that."

She put her hand on my knee and gave me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, but men like Ranger, well... they never want the long haul. They just want a bit of fun and then onto the next conquest. He's only in the story to add a bit of competition."

"And how does Ranger feel about all this?" I growled. Did Ranger just want casual sex? I really couldn't see him chasing me so much if he just wanted a quick screw. Hang on just a minute, had she lost control of Ranger?

"Ranger is his usual self, you know how he is." Janet responded tersely.

I laughed. "He was never meant to stick around, was he? He became too popular for his own good and now you can't get rid of him. That must be terrible for you. And now the poor guy has to hang around waiting for me to give up on Morelli, as some sort of payback on your behalf? Let the guy go, Janet, let him live his own life."

Janet scrubbed her hands over her face. "I have a few more books to write, he just has to play the game a little longer."

"I don't think Ranger plays anyone's game except his own. What's in it for him?"

I promised him three nights in your bed," she mumbled in a whisper.

"You evil woman," I screeched. "Haven't you figured out by now how much sex with Ranger turns my world upside down? Just get out. I am sick of being your puppet, go find someone else's life to mess up."

"You can keep the Cheez Doodles," Janet whispered as she stood up and let herself out of my apartment.

Argh! I really hate that woman. She messes with my love life and leaves me half incapable of doing my job. I want more gun lessons, I want self defence classes and I want a car that doesn't self destruct after ten days. I want a man I can rely on and most of all I want to be treated as a human being, not a fucking joke.

I pushed speed dial 1 on my phone, but it went straight to Ranger's voice mail. Odd. I dialled Tank instead, to see if he knew where Ranger was.

Tank answered the phone on the second ring. "Steph?" he rumbled in that amazing deep voice of his.

Tank was hot, hell most of the Rangemen were hot, but thanks to Janet, I was never supposed to play with any of them. I just broke them, how shit was that?

"Tank, where's Ranger?" I asked.

"Out of town. Emergency," He stated.

Okay... that was interesting. I thought he never missed Janet's visits.

"Thanks Tank," I said and hung up. No use wasting words on those guys.

What to do now? I think it was time I took control of my life. Joe was a lying scumbag who hated my job, and Ranger was a dangerous assassin who was resigned to his fate as a quick tumble my sheets. If I slept with Ranger again, it would be for keeps, but right now he was out of town. All I had to do now was work out who was next on my list of eligible bed warmers.

My shower massager couldn't cut it anymore and my hormones were in overdrive. I wanted, no needed a quick casual fuck, no strings, no questions asked. Hmmm, I could always call Lester. He was always ready for a little casual sex.

What? You think I could have survived on a diet of a one night stand and Joe's boys 'missing me' once in a while for the last few years. If it hadn't been for Lester's discreet late night visits, I'd have gone blind by now because of too much masturbation. What a guy, he always took one for the team.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. Glad so many of you are enjoying this and are along for this crazy ride. Cheers to Em for kicking my muse as always, and to Stayce for some great suggestions.

* * *

Janet turned up on my doorstep about five minutes after I got back from work. She had a cheery grin on her face, and was carrying a six-pack of beer.

"Hey there Joseph," she said as I let her in to my house. She dropped down on the couch, kicked her shoes off and popped a beer, taking a long pull.

"What a day," she mumbled as she took another long drink.

"Problems?" I quizzed. I knew by the late hour of her arrival that she must have seen the others before she came over to see me. Despite her initial smile, the cop in me was screaming that there was more to her emotions tonight than met the eye. Had Manoso been giving her a hard time?

"Not everyone plays the game as well as you do, Joe," Janet said with a sigh. "I've had a hard time of it tonight so far. Ranger is getting edgy and Stephanie seems very bitter of late. I think you need to make some moves in the right direction very soon, or things could get out of control."

"Right," I mused. "So maybe I should ask her to move in with me, or I could always propose again..."

"Joe!" Janet snapped. "I'm trying to hand you this on a plate, and you're making a mess of things. You need to woo Stephanie. Take her out for dinner, buy her the _right_ flowers. Your 'boys missing her' and yellow roses are just not cutting it. I only have so much control over you guys and if you don't shape up, Stephanie will start looking elsewhere. Do you want her in Ranger's bed?"

"Hell no," I growled. "I promise I'll try harder to make a good impression on her. I won't let you down, Janet."

"Good," she said with a nod. "Look, I'll leave you with a list of tips on how to make a woman feel special, and we'll give that a try for the next book. She's destined for you Joe, you're my number one guy, you're just going to have to work for it a bit more than I thought you would."

"You think I can't keep Steph in my bed?" I yelled in sudden outrage. "I'm more of a man than Manoso will ever be."

Janet gave me a pained look and looked away hurriedly.

"What?" I growled. "Oh, no way, no how. Please tell me mine his bigger than his. I'm a good six and a half inches I'll have you know."

Janet cast what looked like a suspicious glance at my groin and slowly met my angry glare. "You know it's not size, it's what you do with it that's important, Joe. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Stephanie is happy with your...erm... equipment"

How the hell was I supposed to not worry, when I'd just found out that the Bounty Hunter with an impressive package had a bigger package than me. I guess I should have seen the warning signs a mile off. Grandma Mazur never called me that 'Cute cop with the impressive package'. Shit, damn, fuck. Well, there goes my evening.

I wonder how big it is... I could do with knowing about the size of the competition. I looked back at Janet and she shook her head.

"Oh, no way, Joe," Janet snapped. "I am not giving out details like that. If you want to know, ask Stephanie."

"She's seen his dick!" I bellowed in rage. "When did she see his dick?" I demanded.

Janet coughed, mumbled something and looked away. "Book eight," she muttered finally.

Great, just fucking great. "How well acquainted with his package is my sometimes girlfriend?" I spat.

Janet blushed. "I don't know... I never wrote beyond the oral sex. I've just heard rumours."

"Oral sex?" I screeched. Oh man, this day's getting worse by the minute. He went down on her before they even had sex? I thought men like that were myths. I was in so much trouble, my 'boys' didn't usually waste time with oral sex, they just got right down to the good stuff.

"I think I better go," Janet muttered. "I'll leave you the rest of the beer, I think you need it more than I do right now."

"Yeah, fine..." I whispered.

The front door clicked shut softly and I popped a beer open. It had been a long day and I had a feeling that I wasn't going to sleep well tonight. I briefly considered calling Steph, but quickly changed my mind. I also considered calling in a few favors to find out how big Manoso's package was, but I knew damn well that information like that was classified.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. I'm so glad you find this as funny as I do.

To any Cupcakes who are reading this... I mean no offense at the end.

* * *

Man, I couldn't believe that Ric wanted me to get it on with Morelli. I'd felt green since that phone call, and I'd had no choice but to call Bobby in on this. Bobby wasn't too happy with this mission either. I guess that with both of us on the case, it might make the job a little easier. It was well known that I'd fuck anything pretty, but Morelli was not in the pretty category, not by a long shot. Plus, Steph had told me that his equipment left a lot to be desired and his performance in bed was pretty lack lustre.

I steered the truck to the curb outside Joe's row house on Slater, and killed the engine. Only then did I look over to my ill looking partner in the passenger seat.

"Hey, man," I whispered.

Bobby looked around and shot me a weak smile. "Could be worse," he said with a sigh.

"It could?" I muttered.

"Yeah, it could have been Vinnie," Bobby said with a grimace.

"Oh man... did you have to give me that mental image?" I said with a groan.

"Sorry bro," Bobby mumbled.

I took a deep breath, gathered my courage and slid from the truck. Poor Bobby was still sitting in the passenger seat with his head resting in his hands. I pulled the door open and touched him lightly on the arm.

"I can't do this..." he murmured.

"Mind over matter, man," I said with more positivity than I really felt. "And besides, we can scrub the Morelli cooties off each other when we've finished here."

"Yeah?" he said with a small smile.

"Oh yeah, think of it as something to look forward to once this job is over."

"Okay Les. You did clear the hazard pay with Ric didn't you?"

I laughed. "You think we would be here if we weren't getting a bonus for this cluster fuck? We're on overtime, with hazard pay and an extra weeks vacation on company expenses. So haul your cute ass out of my truck and let's get this over and done with. We just need to keep Janet away from Ric for a few days. Besides, I've got a couple of other ideas up my sleeve too."

Bobby let out a long sigh, "Okay, but you never know, our presence may not be needed after all," he whispered as he pointed to the car in front of ours.

It looked like an airport rental and I could only think of one person right now who was in need of a hire car: Janet. I grinned evilly at Bobby and popped the cargo doors on my truck. Somewhere in here was a... ah, got it.

"Keep look out," I hissed at Bobby as I crept to the back of the hire car and fixed the tracker to the under carriage.

"Les!" Bobby stage whispered as I was finishing up. I skulked back to the truck as a figure appeared in Joe's doorway. Damn, that was close.

"Act casual," I muttered.

Bobby rolled his eyes and went to get the beer from the truck.

My suspicions were confirmed as Ms Evanovich let herself out for Joe's front door. I walked straight up the path towards her and held out my hand.

"Nice to see you again, Ms Evanovich," I said, flashing my best charming smile.

Janet looked at me, looked down at my outstretched hand and then looked back at my face again. She shook my hand weakly and gave me a half smile.

"Sorry, do I know you?" she quizzed.

What the hell? The woman didn't even know who I was! I know she had neglected the Rangeman boys a lot over the course of the books, but for her to forget one of her own characters really did some damage to my ego.

"Lester Santos, and this," I said as I turned and pointed at Bobby, "is my partner Bobby Brown."

She still looked a little blank, so I filled in the gaps for her.

"Book 5, we did the re-decorating job with Steph. I was the one with a buzz cut and great muscles and Bobby was the black guy that isn't Tank, with, interestingly enough, great muscles and a buzz cut. You let me out to play again in book 8, when you needed someone to search the camp grounds to look for Evelyn Soder."

"Oh, okay," she said with a nod. "You both look a little different."

I snorted at that remark. "What do you expect, love? We've been neglected for so long that the fan fiction ladies now look after us. We go where we are appreciated the most, and believe me, those girls appreciate us a lot more than you do."

Janet looked a little sheepish. "I'm sorry, boys. I never thought..."

"No, I don't suppose that you did," Bobby growled. "Do you know how frustrating it is to be an under used character? You never realised my full potential, or Lester's. We've got personalities and skills and lives, and you shut us out."

I put my hand on my partner's arm in an attempt to calm him down, but he was on a roll now, and there would be no stopping him.

"I hope that you realise that if it wasn't for the fan fiction writers, I'd still be on the Prozac," he growled. "And that I'd be stuck living as some short haired black guy with no personality. Do you know that I really hate my hair short?"

Janet shook her head and took a step away from him.

"Do you know anything about my back ground? Like the fact that I was a medic in the Rangers? No, I bet you don't. And what about poor Lester here? Did you know he's an expert sharp shooter, that he saved Ric's live in Afghanistan and that he's given Steph more orgasms than Ric, sorry, _Carlos_and Joe have combined?"

Janet was now doing an impression of a goldfish, poor thing. If I wasn't so mad at her, I'd have felt sorry for her.

"What can I say, I really didn't think," she murmured.

"No, you damn well did not think," Bobby growled. "I think it's about time you went down to Rangeman and apologised to all the guys there. But you better hope that when you do, Tank isn't there. He wants your blood. No one, and I mean no one, ever mentions his real name."

"I'll see what I can do," she mumbled as she finally found her courage and pushed past us, dashing to her car.

"Well, that went well," I muttered sarcastically.

Bobby shrugged, "It needed to be done. Anyway, enough distractions. Let's go turn the charm on Morelli and see if we can cause a little more havoc for Janet."

"She never asked what we were doing here," I mused.

"No, but I bet she's thinking about it now. We'll make sure that we get some photos of tonight, and we can get one of the guys to drop them off at her hotel. Plus, as soon as she finds out that Ric is missing and Diesel is on the loose outside of a 'holiday' book, she might start listening to her characters a little more.

"We could really ruin things for her," I said.

"Pah!" Bobby snorted. "Somehow, I think things are just about to take a turn for the better. It's not like anyone around here wants to see poor Steph end up with Morelli anyway."

"But what about the cupcakes," I hissed.

Bobby looked around and smiled. "Cupcakes? What cupcakes? I don't see any of them out there. I can see a hell of a lot of babe fans, and they like us, so let's give them what they want."

"I thought they wanted to see us in bed with Morelli?" I said with a groan.

"Nah, just a few of the really kinky ones. But don't worry, you still have to move in with Ric when he gets back. I'm sure they'd much rather see that, than the two of us making Joe feel even worse about the size of his package," Bobby said with a grin.

"Six and a half inches," I sniggered.

"There's nothing wrong with six and a half inches," Bobby retorted.

"You're not six and a half inches," I said, glancing down at his crotch.

"I am when I'm soft," he said with a grin as he slapped me on the ass and shoved me towards Joe's front door.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I just want to say that I love you guys. You all rock so much, and your awesome reviews are really inspiring my muse.

* * *

With Ranger in the wind, so to speak, the running of Rangeman Trenton was now in Tank's hands. Bobby and I were slouched on Tank's office sofa sipping coffee, when he sauntered back into his domain. He looked over that the pair of us and shook his head.

"Man, you two look like shit. Rough night?" he said with a chuckle.

I shot him the bird and poor Bobby just groaned. It had indeed been one hell of a night, but at least neither of us was walking funny today. The one that was walking funny this morning was Morelli.

Yes, we had seduced him. It hadn't taken as long as I had expected to get him naked and on his knees begging. I guess it was true; I really could charm the pants off anyone. Not that I was proud of this conquest. The less I had to think about it, the better. I'd rather have Bobby's six and a half inches any day of the week.

We had the photographic evidence to slip Janet, and when the pictures came back from the tech lab on the third floor, Hal was going to take a select few over to her hotel.

Bobby drained his coffee and looked up at Tank. "Where's Ric hiding out at?"

Tank grinned and shook his head. "Not a fucking clue, and that's probably a good thing. He'll come back when he's shagged out and burnt off his pent up sexual frustration."

Bobby groaned. "Shit, man... that could take months."

"He told me a week, and if he's not back by then, I'll hunt him down and drag him back naked if I have to," I growled.

Tank sniggered. "What, don't you want to get back to your new conquest, guys?"

"No!" we both yelled in unison.

Tank leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on his desk. "So... I hear that you two made contact with the real enemy last night."

"Yeah, and it wasn't pretty," I muttered. "She didn't know who the hell we were or give a damn about us. It was not a pleasant experience."

"Seems you had a lot of unpleasant experiences last night," Tank teased.

"Shut it, Pierre," Bobby spat.

Tank sprang to his feet with lightening quick speed and made a grab for Bobby. I managed to shove myself between the two of them and push them apart.

"Enough," I bellowed, "Let's stay with the programme here. We need to make some calls and put a couple of plans into place. I'm going to step away now and I want the two of you to behave."

The pair of idiots grumbled their assurances and sat back down.

"Right, so Ric is out of the way and Operation 'Confuse Morelli and terrify Janet' is going to plan. We still need to deal with Steph and Diesel. Any luck contacting Diesel yet?" I quizzed Tank.

Tank shook his head, "I don't know where to start. It's not like he is listed in the phone book or works for some shadowy government agency. The man's a ghost."

"He's not a ghost, he's a muse," Bobby muttered.

"A what?" Tank asked.

"A muse, you know... helps authors write and stuff, gives them ideas," Bobby explained.

"Right," Tank muttered, sounding extremely sceptical. "So whose muse is he?"

"Was," I told him. "He was Janet's right at the beginning when she started writing this series."

"Hang on a sec, just how do you two know all this shit?" Tank demanded.

I smiled. "Unlike you, we've not seen any literary action in ages, so we hang out with the fan fiction girls. Anyway... their muses are total sluts, always happy for a bit of action. A couple of them mentioned Diesel, and it turns out that he's a frequent visitor to those horny fan fic muses."

"Okay... are you two on drugs or something?" Tank said with a sigh.

"I'm serious!" I exclaimed. "Look, just trust me here. I spent a bit of time with this hot little muse from Dublin, and she told me all about Diesel. It turns out that he wanted Janet to take the series in a different direction, make Steph better at her job, fix her up with Ric and make the crime and mystery element the driving force, rather than the exploding cars and a love triangle that everyone was getting sick of."

"So what happened?" Tank said.

"She sacked him, didn't want to listen to his ideas anymore. She's a hot shot writer and she was clever enough to have a contract with Diesel. Most writers get what they're given, hence the fan fiction girls being stuck with boozy sex fiends. Anyway, Janet told him that his services were no longer required, creative differences or some such shit, and he got real mad. Somehow, he managed to get some dirt on Janet and blackmailed her into turning him into a character for her holiday stories. It was the best the poor guy could do as he knew he'd never work as a muse again after getting the elbow," I explained.

"Poor guy," Tank muttered. "I bet things would be a lot different around here if he'd had his way,"

"Yeah, the boss might not be such a grouch, and we wouldn't get injured in comical ways by Steph," Bobby bitched.

"So, Mr Know It All's," Tank grumbled, "I hate to change the subject, but we still don't know how to get hold of Diesel."

I laughed. "Easy, I call the writer and she gets her muse to ask about. He'll be in someone's bed, getting lucky."

"Okay, that sounds like a plan," Tank enthused. "Bobby, keep tabs on Janet's tracker and Les, you get in touch with that muse. We've got a series to wreck, and failure is not an option. I want this woman stopped before she tells the whole world what my middle name is."


	6. Chapter 6

I felt some unknown force pulling me towards the front door of the house I shared with my daughter, Helen and her husband, Frank. I had no idea why I had the urge to go to the door, but Helen felt it too. It was really strange, it was like we had this inbuilt radar that told us when someone was coming to visit. Odd, very odd. It hadn't always been like this.

We stood waiting at the screen door, when a dark rental car pulled up and that strange, mad woman got out. She was some sort of writer and she was always messing with Stephanie's life. Trying to get her to do crazy things or some such nonsense. That girl would have a much easier time if it wasn't for this strange woman who stopped by every six months or so, meddling and trying to create a funny plot.

Sometimes I felt like my only purpose in life was to be the comic relief. Strange phrases came out of my mouth at the worst times and sometimes I wanted to dress like a teenager. Maybe I was due another visit to the doctors, as those pills he'd put me on must have some mighty weird side effects.

The crazy woman walked up to the front door and smiled. "Mrs Mazur, Ellen, good to see you both again."

"It's Helen, and it's nice to see you again, Ms Evanovich. Why don't you come in? I was just going to serve cake and coffee" My daughter replied with the requisite amount of Burg hospitality.

"Oh, just call me Janet, please," the writer woman said. "You always seem to have cake in the house; I do love my visits here."

"Yes, it's all we ever do around here you know, make cake and pot roast," Helen muttered as she headed for the pantry.

Janet came in and sat down at the table. "Can I be blunt, Ellen?"

"It's Helen!" Helen yelled from the pantry. Oh not a good sign, she's tippling already. Janet can sure make her knock back the gin.

There was a clink of glass and Helen emerged from the pantry, setting about sorting the coffee and cake. "By all means Janet. Please, say what you need to say."

"I'm worried about Stephanie, Ellen," Janet stated.

"You're worried?" Helen snapped. "I worry on a daily basis. Thanks to you, she won't get a job at the button factory and has this crazy notion that she's a bounty hunter. And on top of that, she runs around town with that non Italian man with the pony tail, which means that she's never going to marry Joe and give me grandchildren."

Janet squirmed in her chair. "Don't worry, Ellen. It will all end happily, you'll get your grandchildren."

What was this obsession with that cop? He was not the right man for my granddaughter. "I prefer the bounty hunter with the great package," I chipped in. "He's a much better choice for Stephanie, any fool can see that."

Janet bristled at my comment, but was saved from replying when Helen set the coffee and cake down on the table.

Helen cut Janet a slice of cake and passed it to her. "I need grandchildren," she demanded.

"Yes, I know you do. You daughter is being a little difficult at the moment, so maybe you could help things along and invite Joe over to dinner more often," Janet suggested.

"Will that work?" Helen demanded.

Janet shrugged. "We can hope. I'm going to send Ranger away on a long and dangerous mission, so they might have a chance. Keep on telling her that Joe is the one, and you never know, Stephanie might start listening. I've given Joe some tips on how to be romantic, too."

"What's wrong with Ranger?" I asked.

"Too dangerous," Janet replied.

"Dangerous, as in that he's better than Joe in the bedroom, or dangerous because of his job?" I quizzed."

"Both," Janet stated.

"Holy Mary, mother of God," Helen muttered and crossed herself.

I'd heard enough of this nonsense. "I think I need a little lie down," I mumbled, pulling the ditzy old bat routine and heading up to my room.

I extracted the cell phone from my vanity drawer and hit speed dial 1. I was not going to stand by and watch those women destroy Stephanie's life.

The phone rang and was picked up on the second ring.

"Talk."

"Mr Tank, it's Edna Mazur here. You told me to call if that woman showed up."

"Yes, what's she saying?"

"She wants Helen to help her convince Stephanie that Joe is the right guy for her," I stated.

"Thank you for that Intel Mrs Mazur. You have been most helpful. I have in my possession some pictures that you might like to see. Can you swing by the office for a chat?" Mr Tank asked.

"I can if you send that nice young man around to pick me up from the corner by the deli," I said with a grin.

"Cal will be there in 10." He responded, and hung up.

Oh, this sounded like fun. I wonder what was in those pictures he wanted to show me? I crept into the bathroom and climbed out of the window. What? You think I'm just some old woman? I'm the original Wonder Woman, who do you think taught Stephanie how to do all this stuff? Maybe one day she'll really fly.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter and to everyone who contacted me with suggestions of stuff that drove them nuts about the books. I'll work in as many as I can. This chapter carries a spew warning – Mud, put your drink down now.

* * *

It was taking Hector ages to make the prints. and I'd finally gone down to the lab on the 3rd floor to see what the holdup was. I pushed through the door into his work room, and shoved a pizza box off the spare chair so I could sit down.

"Hola, amigo," Hector said with a huge grin.

"Hey Hector, what's the hold up?" I quizzed.

He shrugged, "Just making sure you and Bobby look your best. The shadow from the poor lighting was not good for your ass, so I fixed it. Can't have that woman thinking that your ass is less than perfect."

I laughed and took a look at his work. "Wow, yeah my ass sure looks good in that shot. Cheers man."

"No worries, Les. I think Janet needs to see that the cop is not so good compared to the Rangeman team," he said with a cheeky grin.

I looked at a naked shot of Joe and shuddered. Hell, there was no comparison. Bobby and I looked fucking amazing. Something didn't look quite right though. "What else did you do to the pictures, Hector?"

Hector sniggered and shot me an evil smile.

"Hector!" I snapped.

Hector shrugged. "I thought that six and a half inches was being a little generous, so I gave Morelli a bit of a reduction. I figured that five inches was more fitting for a man of his skill."

I looked at the picture again and let out a bark of laughter. Morelli's package had indeed shrunk. He wasn't very good with the six and a half inches he had, so I don't think that losing an inch and a half would do him any harm.

I slapped Hector on the back. "Amigo, you are a god among men. I owe you for this, big time."

"No worries, Lester. Like I said, we need to make a statement. Do you mind if I put them up on the break room notice board? I'm sure the rest of the team would love to see them."

"Oh, I bet they would. Go for it, I just need a set now, so I can get them to Janet."

Hector nodded and the printer whirred to life, spitting out large black and white prints of last night's events. I scooped them up and headed back up to Tank's office. With any luck, Janet would still be at Steph's parent's house and I could get Zero to leave them in her car.

I dropped the pictures down on Tank's desk, and he picked up the top one, turning it around in his hands.

"It's upside down," I stated.

He turned it the right way up, but still cocked his head when he looked at it. "How the hell do you do that?" he quizzed.

I looked over that the picture again and shrugged, "So I'm a flexible guy."

"It looks kinda painful, Les," he muttered.

"It was, Morelli screamed like a girl," I said with a snigger.

"Too much of a man for him were you?" he teased.

"You better believe it," I said with a grin as we hi-fived.

Tank shuffled through the rest of the images and stopped on the last one. "Was it always that small?" he asked.

"Was what always that small?" I asked, while trying to keep a straight face. It was useless, and I sank down on the couch in a fit of giggles.

"Hector's handy work I presume?" Tank said with a chuckle.

"Yeah," I replied with a grin.

"I think that boy needs a pay rise," Tank responded.

"Hell, anyone who makes my ass look that great is worth their weight in gold as far as I'm concerned," I joked.

"Mrs Mazur just called," Tank said.

"And?"

"Janet's still over at her place."

"Good, I'll get Zero to put these in her car, that should make her day," I said with a grin.

With Zero on 'Mission Scar Janet for life,' I was at a lose end and thinking of hitting the gym, when my cell rang.

"Talk," I demanded.

"Lester?"

"Who wants to know?" I asked.

"It's Dervla, Cat's muse. I hear that you're looking for Diesel."

"I am indeed, beautiful. He's not in your bed is he?" I teased.

"Not since last week. Cat's being a bitch and has me working on three different fics at the moment. She kicked Diesel and Dante out of my bed, and took away all my booze," she bitched.

"You poor thing, it must be hell for you, actually having to do some work for a change," I joked.

"Shut it Santos," she growled. "Do you want me to tell you where he is?"

"Yeah, I could do with getting in touch with him."

"It'll cost you, Lester."

Damn these muses. "Okay, name it," I replied.

"You and Bobby, my place on Saturday," she demanded.

"That's a bit steep, Dervla."

"If you don't want the Intel then I guess I could always..."

"No," I interrupted. "Deal, now where is he?"

"You wound me, Les. Don't you want to come over on Saturday?" she teased.

"You know I do, I haven't seen you in a while and I was due a visit anyway. So, where is Diesel, baby?"

"Emerith's muse has him. Word on the street is that they only way she'll let him go, is if you swap Diesel for Hector."

"Right, I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the info beautiful, and I'll be seeing you soon," I said and hung up.

This day was getting better by the minute. Janet was about to get the shock of her life and I now knew where to find Diesel. With a bit of luck, I'd be able to swap him with Hector, and then things really would get interesting. I don't think it will take much to convince Diesel that he has to shack up with Stephanie, especially if it messed up Janet's plot lines in the process. Man, I love my job.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: huge thanks to everyone who has reviewed. You all make me so happy, and my muse loves you. The group sex line is sorta lifted from one of the books, but everything else is mine, apart from the names. This chapter was a blast to write. I hope you find it as funny as I did.

* * *

So much for a quiet afternoon in the gym, it seemed that I had a muse to track down. It was a shame that Diesel couldn't read minds, or he'd have just turned up by now. It would have made my life a little easier, but then again, I had a hot date lined up for Saturday night, so it wasn't all bad.

I headed back to Tank's office to let him know what was going on, and froze when I got to the doorway. Oh man... There was no way on this earth I was going in that office. What had Tank been thinking?

"Both those young men have mighty fine packages, Mr Tank."

Why the hell had Tank let Mrs Mazur up here? I looked around the control room and realised that all the men in here had pained expressions on their faces. I'd never seen this lot look so scared.

I turned my attention back to the not so harmless little old lady sitting in front of Tank's desk, and Tank looked up, catching my eye. Oh fuck! Busted.

"Lester!" Tank boomed, "We were just talking about you. Come in and have a seat."

I shuffled into the office and tried to give the guest chair a wide berth. I had seen a lot of terrible things in the army and out on the streets, but nothing freaked me out more than Mrs Mazur.

Unfortunately, I misjudged the length of her arms and she squeezed my ass as I sloped past, heading for the couch. Damn, that woman was a menace.

"I was just explaining last night's mission," Tank said with a grin. "And I thought Mrs Mazur would like to see the pictures, so she could give a good description to all her friends at the salon and the funeral home."

I put my head in my hands and sighed. My days as a playboy were finally over. This news would be around Trenton in the space of an hour, and I'd never get a quick fuck in this town ever again. Why the hell did I take this job?

Suddenly the couch dipped down next to me and I looked around. Mrs Mazur grinned at me and I tried to move as far away as possible. Tank was hiding a smirk, the bastard. He was going to pay for this.

"You know, you don't look gay," Edna said with a smile.

"I'm not gay," I responded.

"Oh, that's good. It would be such a shame from someone with a package of that size to let the ladies miss out on it. Did I see a ring in the end of it?" she leered.

I nodded hesitantly.

"Mind if I have a look?" she asked as she reached out for the front of my cargos.

"Yes!" I yelped, as I shot off the sofa and hurried around to stand next to Tank."

"Baby," Tank whispered.

"Bastard," I muttered.

"What a shame," Edna said with a sigh. "I've never seen one of those rings up close before, and it would be a real pip of a story for the girls at the salon."

"You should ask Tank here," I said with a grin. "His package is even bigger than mine. He'd be happy to show you."

Edna's face lit up like a kid's in a candy store, and I used that moment to run for the door.

I needed to go into hiding, as my ass was in so much shit when Tank got out of his office. I was about to head for Ranger's office to hide in when Zero let out a stream of cursing."

"Code red!" he yelled from his seat at the monitors, and then he hit the system panic button.

What the hell is going on now? And why didn't he do that when Mrs Mazur turned up?

My cell phone beeped and my pager buzzed, indicating an emergency at base, the overhead lights went off, the emergency lighting came on, and the metal grills rolled down over the windows.

"Zero!" I yelled, as men scurried around the Comms room like ants. "What the fuck is going on?"

"She's here," he squeaked.

"I'm aware of that, Zero. But it's a bit of a delayed reaction, don't you think?"

"Not her, her," he gabbled.

I sighed and pushed him out of the way. Note to self: Never rely on Zero in a crisis, the man responds to pressure worse than the Kloughn.

I looked down at the screen he had been watching. It showed Janet's car tracker and according to this she was... Oh fuck!...

She was in the underground parking garage. How did she get in the underground parking garage? She'd need a pass key or the codes.

"Tank!" I yelled. "We have incoming,"

Tank hustled Mrs Mazur over to Cal, and instructed him to escort her from the building via the back stairs.

"How'd she get in?" we both asked in unison.

Tank shook his head. "I have no fucking idea. What's the plan?"

"Why are you asking me," I growled. "Ric left you in charge,"

"Yeah, because Rangeman has to be seen to have a strong street presence in Ric's absence, and we all know that criminals run in fear from me. I don't do strategy, Santos. That's your job, so I suggest you think of something pretty fucking quick."

"Hide?" I offered.

"She's in the lift," Manny yelled.

"Hit the emergency stop," I ordered.

"Yes boss."

I looked back at Tank. "What do you think she wants?"

Tank rolled his eyes. "What do you think, you moron. I suspect that she wants a chat about those photos."

"What do we say to her?" I quizzed.

"That Thursday is your group sex night? Hell, I don't know. Anything but the truth."

"Right, so Morelli is my lover. You think she'll believe that?" I asked.

"Guys, we have a problem," Manny shouted. "She's overridden the emergency shutdown. There's no way I can stop her from getting in here."

"How is she doing this?" I demanded.

Bobby hurried over to us from his office. "She's the author," he stated.

Tank and I looked at him like he had grown two heads.

"Explain," Tank barked.

"She can do what she wants. Remember that one day we suddenly moved offices, that Ric's bogus address on his drivers license keeps changing, all those small things we can't explain? It's her, it's Janet. All she has to do is decide what she wants the access codes to be and the whole Plumverse will shift to accommodate her wishes."

"But she can't control me," I stated.

"Yeah, because you are a person and a lot harder to control, but little things like codes and names... she can change whatever she likes," he babbled. "Where do you think all our black trucks come from, or Ric's cars?"

"Oh man... We're so screwed," I muttered.

"Incoming in 10," Manny yelled.

The whole deck crew ran for the back stairs, leaving Tank, Bobby and I alone in the middle of the dimly lit Comms room. We nodded to each other, and I began to wonder if Ric had stashed any cyanide around here. The elevator doors slid open...

TBC??


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Huge thanks again to my reviewers. This chapter turned out a lot darker than I expected, but I think it just about fits. Let me know what you think.

* * *

I'd left Trenton within the hour of my meeting with Janet, only stopping by the office long enough to grab a few changes of clothes. I needed to leave before she knew I was even missing. 

Lester had caught up with me in my apartment, and demanded a whole manner of bonuses for him and Bobby for dealing with the 'Morelli' thing. I'd agreed to the overtime, the hazard pay and the extra week's holiday, but had drawn the line at their requests for a pay rise, counselling and a bigger office.

The lazy bastards usually spent all day sitting in the closet sized office they shared, shuffling paper, drinking coffee and running what could only be described as an escort agency. If you worked for Rangeman and wanted a date, those two could easily fix you up with a muse of your choice. So, because of this, there was no way I was giving either of them a pay rise. The counselling was just over the top, and the only reason they needed a bigger office was so they could fit an extra filing cabinet full of the girl's details in it, and a bigger casting couch. Maybe it was about time I started charging them ground rent for their little side business, or demand a cut of the profits.

Still, sending them after Morelli would keep them out of mischief for a while. Simple plans worked best, and I wasn't expecting any problems whilst I was away.

It didn't take me long to figure out where to run to. I knew that everyone would expect me to go somewhere warm and sunny, so I did the opposite. I headed straight for cold, wet London and my emergency town house. Residences around the world were one of the perks of being a bad ass mercenary and it was good to finally get some time off.

I picked up my lap top, propped my feet up on the coffee table and resumed my game of Mine Sweeper. Made a change from dodging real ones.

Suddenly, my pager began to vibrate across the table top and my sat phone buzzed at my hip. What the hell? They were set for emergencies only. I peered at my cell display and groaned, there was an emergency at the Trenton office. What had those idiots done now? The supposed radiation leak we had last month was nothing more than a mouldy cheese sandwich in Tank's desk drawer, and the suspected alien craft landing on the roof a month before that turned out to be a bit of donut stuck to the monitor screen.

I remote accessed the buildings cameras. The entire day shift was hiding around the back of the dumpsters in the access lane. Wimps. The only men missing were Tank, Bobby and Lester. Maybe Tank had cleaned his desk out again and found another sandwich. I pulled up the control rooms live feed, and watched my three best men standing in the middle of the room looking fearfully towards the elevator.

There were no weapons drawn and my curiosity made me turn the audio up full.

The elevator doors slid open and I watched in horror as Janet walked on deck, she looked as mad as hell. How the fuck did she get in the building? Shit, of course! How could I have forgotten? She was the author, and could change small things to suit her needs. She stalked across the room, stopping about eight feet away from them and tossed an envelope down on the floor at their feet.

"Could one of you gentlemen please explain these pictures to me?" she demanded.

Tank and Bobby both took a step back, leaving Lester in the line of fire. He looked at the packet on the floor and then looked back at Janet. "Gay porn," he said with a shrug. "Lot of money in it, want to see the tape too?"

"No!" she snapped. "How could you do this to poor Joe? If this gets out, you'll have ruined any chance he has with Stephanie. Did someone put you up to this?"

Lester shook his head. "No, this has been going on for a while. Tuesday night is Gay porn night. We sent you the pictures in case you were interested in the tapes. Maybe you could sell them on your website."

"This has to stop," she demanded.

Lester drew himself up to his full height of six foot three inches, tossed his long hair over his shoulder and glared. "Make me," he snarled.

"I could write you out," she threatened.

Lester laughed out loud. "Janet, I've been missing for the last five books. That's an empty threat and you know it."

"I can make you permanently disappear, all of you. Even your boss," she hissed.

Tank stepped forward at that comment. "Is that a threat, Ms Evanovich?"

She looked up in terror as Tank loomed over her, and shook her head.

"No, I didn't think so," Tank whispered. "You wouldn't do anything that silly would you, not after that stunt you pulled in book twelve."

"What do you want?" she murmured.

Tank shrugged. "World peace, more time off. Oh, right... for you to give the boss a break. He's not your puppet."

"He's a real boy," Bobby mumbled almost inaudibly.

Tank glared at Bobby and Bobby had the sense to shut up.

"You're playing with people's lives here and I don't think you understand just quite what you're messing with. I suggest that you think before you write the next book. Decide what's right for us, not what makes a good story. Steph's unhappy, Ric's unhappy and I'm still down right livid that you told the world my real name. Your actions have consequences that we have to deal with every day," Tank stated.

Nice one Tank, I think that you've just earned yourself a pay rise. It was good to know that even when I wasn't there, he was still watching my back.

Janet scooped the pictures up off the floor and looked Tank right in the eyes. "This is far from over, Pierre," she growled, and marched back to the elevator.

I flipped my laptop shut and closed my eyes. Oh man... we had just declared open war with Janet. There was no telling what havoc she could cause now. Should I back down? Or should I fight for what I believe is right?

I was suddenly reminded of a plaque on the wall in my parent's kitchen. It was a quote from a Robert Frost poem, and it read:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference."

My family could have stayed in Cuba, but they took the dangerous risk of getting out. My life would be a lot different if my grandparents had taken the easy route.

So I would fight. I would fight for what I believed in, no matter what the consequences. She had shot me and terrorized my family, but she would not break me. Ever.


	10. Chapter 10

File a file, eat some donut. File a file, eat some more donut. File a file and sit down on the sofa to read Cosmo. Man, this job sucks.

Ooh, what's this? 'Top ten ways to improve your man's performance in bed.' What a crock of shit. How about: Get a man who's good between the sheets. I don't need no hints to improve my man's performance; Tank is a huge hunk of burning love. He's so huge, I almost orgasm by just looking at it.

Now Connie on the other hand, that girl needs a man. Hell, any man would do. I can't remember the last time she got laid. Don't know why, I mean she's a good looking woman, not that I do girls, but ya get what I'm saying.

And Steph, shit... Morelli, Ranger, Morelli, Ranger, Morelli, Ranger. Make your damn mind up! You'd think it would be an easy choice. Morelli is an ass. He took her virginity on the floor of a bakery, how shit is that? That to me should tell you all you ever need to know about a man.

And that 'cupcake' crap? Hell, I got called better things when I was a ho. But 'babe' is good. I like that. Tank calls me baby and I like that too. We're a great couple, but it annoys me that sometimes people don't take us seriously. Like when Tank got shot and no one, not even Steph bothered to tell me. I had to find out over the scanner.

I don't know what was wrong with everyone that day. If Tank's gonna be late home from a job, someone will call me. If he as much as breaks a nail at work, Lester or Bobby is on the phone. So I don't know what happened that day, it was like everyone had been cloned and replaced by aliens or something.

"What do you think, it's called Ravishing Red," Connie asked.

I looked up from my magazine and glanced over at her new nail job. "Nice, but I don't think it goes with that top. I'm thinking a trip to the mall to get a new top and maybe some new shoes too. What do you say?"

"Hmm, maybe. We could call Steph and make an afternoon of it. Hell, it's not like there is much going on around here today," Connie mused.

"Damn, don't say that, girl. Now something is bound to happen," I muttered.

"Like what? Vinnie is having an away day at the zoo and crime is slow. Who'd notice?"

"True enough. Okay, let me just get my coat," I stated.

I looked over at the window and a rental car pulled up outside. A smartly dressed woman got out and headed towards the door. She didn't look like she was in need of a bond. I looked over at Connie. "What do you think she wants?" I asked.

"Oh fuck," Connie muttered.

The woman breezed into the office and smiled at us both. When people smile like that, they usually want something. Hmm.

"Is Vinnie in?" the woman asked.

"Sorry Janet, he's out for the day. Can I help?" Connie asked with fake sincerity.

"Maybe, well yes."

Janet? Oh shit, not Janet Evanovich. I studied the woman in front of me, it could be her.

"Oh, I brought Cheez Doodles," the woman who might be Janet said with a smile.

Cheez Doodle, hell it was that writer woman. I'd never met her before, I wonder what she wanted.

"So, anyway," Janet said as she shifted uncomfortably. "Err, I have this problem and I need your help."

"Right," Connie said, clearly unimpressed.

"It's about Stephanie and Joe, well, you see... Don't you think they make a great couple?"

Was this woman mental?

Thankfully, we were saved from answering, because the office phone rang.

"Plum Bail Bonds," Connie said grumpily.

"No, he did what? I hadn't heard that... There were pictures you say? I better go." Connie hung up the phone and smiled evilly at Janet.

"I think Joe and Lester make an interesting couple," Connie said with a grin.

Janet looked shocked, but recovered fast. "It's all lies, non of it's true. So, Joe and Stephanie... will you help me get them together for good?"

"Why?" I asked. "The man is a jerk, we all know that Batman is the guy for her."

Janet turned at looked at me. "Ranger Manoso is a bad boy, and we all know that bad boys are never for keeps."

"Tank's a bad boy," I stated.

"Exactly," Janet replied.

"What the hell? You sayin' that I can't keep Tank because he's a bad boy?" I demanded.

"Well of course," Janet said matter-of-factly. "Why do you think no one called to let you know that he had been shot?"

"But they always call me," I whispered.

"Not when I write the plot they don't" she snapped.

I tried to count to five in order to calm myself, but it didn't work. There was no way I could save myself from the red mist that was descending. Rhino mode was imminent. I hauled myself up off the sofa and planted a hand on my hip.

"Just who the hell do you think you are messing with my love life?" I yelled.

"I'm the author," Janet said.

"Yeah, well you can take your authorness and shove it up your ass, woman," I screeched.

"Bad boys can't have girlfriends," Janet retorted. "Why the heck do you think I never tell the readers about any of them? I need to keep my readership rooting for Joe, and the Rangemen would only get in the way. I wish that I'd never invented them."

The woman was a loon. I looked over at Connie for help and she signalled for me to carry on. "You got a problem with bad boys, but you want Steph to shack up with Mr Asshole? Girl, you need to get your head looked at," I yelled as I advanced on Janet, backing her towards Connie's desk.

"Joe's a good guy," Janet pleaded.

"Right..." I muttered, "And I hate donuts."

Connie winked at me and I advanced on Janet again. Before Janet knew what hit her, Connie had stuck her stun gun to Janet's arm, and the crazy writer woman hit the deck like a sack of potatoes.

"Fucking A!" I exclaimed as Connie and I high-fived.

"Shit," Connie muttered. "Now what the hell do we do with her now?"

"Don't worry, I have an idea," I said as I pulled out my cell phone.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. was being evil and wouldn't let me reply to your reviews, so consider yourself thanked. I love all your reviews and thank you all for reading.

* * *

I was in the middle of a cleaning spree when my phone rang. 

Maybe it was Ranger, he might have come back from whatever third world country it was he could be invading. I doubted it was Morelli, for some reason he'd been keeping a low profile these last few days. And I hoped it wasn't my mother. I hadn't blown any cars up recently or burned any structures down of late, but that never stopped my mother from calling to whine about my job or lack of husband.

"Hello?" I answered cautiously.

"Hey white girl!"

Thank God it was only Lula. "Hey Lula, how's it going?"

"Err, Connie and I have a little problem."

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? "Go on..."

"Janet came around the office..." Lula mumbled.

Oh no! "And?"

"Well... she was mean and nasty to Batman and the Merry Men, so we kinda, sorta..."

"What the hell did you do?" I demanded.

"We stunned her and she's lying in a heap on the office floor," Lula rushed out.

Why me? "And you are calling me because?"

"Well, see... I thought we could bring her around to your place and you could have words with her. That skanky woman wanted us to help her fix you up with Joe, permanently."

I sighed. "Okay, bring her here, but for heaven's sake, take her out the back way and don't let anyone see you, or you could end up getting arrested. I'd never be able to explain that one to my mother and I'm rather fond of pineapple upside down cake."

"No worries white girl. We'll bring her car too, just to be on the safe side."

Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at my door. I checked the spy hole, and opened the door to let Connie and Lula drag the half conscious Janet into my living room. The dropped her down on my strategically placed kitchen chair that I'd placed in the middle of the room and we hand cuffed her arms to the back of the chair. Thankfully she was still out of it.

"Any problems?" I quizzed.

"Well, she wouldn't fit in the trunk with the lid closed, so we had to tie something around her leg," Lula said with a grin.

"You are joking, right?" I gasped.

Lula laughed. "Like we'd do that? It's only under the influence of Janet that I would do something as crazy as that.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "So, what's the plan?"

"Plan? What plan?" Connie asked in shock. "You're plan girl, we're just delivering the merchandize."

"Oh no, don't look at me ladies," I snapped. "What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"

Lula started to edge towards the door and Connie started to pick her nails. Shit!

"Okay, so we have no idea. Who we gonna call?" I asked.

"Ghostbusters," both Connie and Lula answered in union.

"I'm being serious," I growled. "What if someone reports her missing, we could go to jail."

"We could call Tank," Lula suggested.

"Right, and what am I going to say to him? 'Hi Tank, could you pop over. I need you to dispose of a famous author for me?"

"That might work," Connie offered.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. "Tell me why you stunned her again."

"She dissed Batman, told me that Tank and I wouldn't last because he's a 'bad boy' and then had the nerve to ask us to help convince you that Morelli is a decent guy. Plus she only brought Cheez Doodles as bribes. You'd think that she'd know that it would take at least a bucket of chicken and a box of donuts for us to even consider helping with her crazy plan," Lula stated.

"You'd sell me out for crispy chicken and donuts?" I shrieked.

"Don't be silly," Connie soothed. "Lula was just suggesting that it would take that to at least listen to her daft notions."

"Oh, okay... I think," I muttered.

Suddenly my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Stephanie, this is your mother. What's this I hear about Joseph and two men making dirty movies, and is it true that it's only five and a half inches?"

"What!?!" I demanded.

"Shirley Bronski heard from Alice Chandler, who found out from her cousin at the DMV that Joseph was in one of those pornographic movies that gay men watch," my mother snapped.

Oh my God... What the hell is going on?

"Er mom, I have to go, call waiting." And with that I hung up.

I turned to look at Lula and Connie. "Have either of you two heard about Joe making gay porn and that his dick is only five and a half inches?"

Lula sniggered and Connie coughed.

"Come on, spill!" I demanded.

"Well," Connie explained, "I got a call from Cathy Rossini at the tax office and she said that she'd heard from a friend that somewhere there are pictures of Joe and a couple of hot guys going at it, and Joe looked like he was really enjoying himself, if you know what I mean. Plus she said that someone had told her that his tackle was only five and a half inches long."

Breathe Stephanie, breathe. "I need wine. Anyone want a glass of wine?" I asked.

"Sounds like a plan to me," Lula suggested.

I came back from the kitchen carrying a bottle and three large glasses when my phone rang again.

"Aaargh!" I wailed.

"What?"

"Hey beautiful, is everything alright?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey Lester, yeah everything's fine. Apart from Connie and Lula stunning Janet Evanovich and bringing her around to my place," I said with a sigh.

"You've got Janet there?" Lester quizzed.

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh man... that's just perfect. The boys and I will be around in about ten minutes. Whatever you do, don't let her go."

"Yes boss," I muttered sarcastically. Like Janet was in a fit state to go anywhere right now.

"That's my girl," Lester said with a laugh and disconnected.

"Well?" Connie demanded.

"Les and the boys are coming over. And before you ask, I have no idea what they are planning," I stated.

"Revenge?" Lula suggested.

"Ulk," Janet gurgled.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: This chapter was fuelled by a huge slab of my mum's chocolate cake and a large Jack and orange. I take no responsibility for the contents of this chapter, just blame it on the PMS. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, you all rock!

* * *

After the shitty start, this day was finally looking up. Steph had Janet secured at her apartment and I was beginning to think that Ms Evanovich might start listening to some of our demands. If she thought that she was about to get shipped off to some third world country or other, she might start to co-operate.

I looked at Bobby, and he smiled evilly. "Should I get the boiling oil and red hot pokers ready?" he said with a Machiavellian grin.

"Too obvious, we need something that doesn't leave any permanent damage," I mused.

"Hmm," Bobby muttered.

"Indeed," I replied. "I'm hoping that we can just scare the shit out of her."

"We already tried that," Bobby stated. "I thought the pics of Joe would be enough."

"True, she is pretty tough. What we need is leverage," I stated.

"What we need is that damn lazy ass ex-muse," Bobby bitched. "He must be able to help."

I picked up the phone and called Cat, Dervla's long suffering assigned writer.

She finally picked up on about the 10th ring. "Do you know what fucking time it is over here?" she growled.

"Baby, chill will you," I soothed.

"Is that you, Santos?" she hissed.

"The one and only, baby. The one and only."

"I hate you, whoring my god damn muse out to the highest bidder all the fucking time. How the hell am I supposed to get any writing done, when she's shacked up with half of fucking Rangeman?"

"Are you PMSing by any chance?" I quizzed.

"Maybe, what? Oh, fuck you, Lester," she spat.

I bit back a chuckle; guess I hit the nail on the head there. "How about I get you a new muse?"

"You can do that? And I want a decent one, not some boozed up sex fiend."

"Sure, anything you want baby," I purred.

"Shit, Santos... can the sex god routine will you. It doesn't work on me."

"Really?" I breathed. "You sure about that? The things I could do to you, baby..."

"Yeah, and the things my husband would do to you if he heard this conversation, _baby_. He'd skin you alive and force feed you your balls, so just cut it out. What the hell do you want at 2AM anyway?"

"I need to get hold of Diesel ASAP."

"Why ring me? I have no idea where he is."

"No, but your muse does and I don't have his phone number. I need to get hold of him, it's an emergency," I pleaded.

"Man, I never thought I'd hear Lester Santos begging," she teased. "Keep it up, honey. It's quiet a turn on."

"Cat!" I growled.

She laughed. "Fine, I'll see what I can do. And I'm holding you to that promise Lester, I want a new muse."

"Don't worry baby, I know just the person. Keep me posted will you?" I said as I hung up.

"Well?" Bobby demanded.

"I'm working on it. Let's collect Tank and head over to Steph's place. Maybe something will occur to us on the way over, you never know."

Bobby nodded and went over to the filing cabinet, pulling out a couple of guns, a set of throwing knives, a set of brass knuckles, a large Mag Light, a tazer, a crow bar, a coil of rope, a box labelled "Bamboo slivers," and a set of furry hand cuffs, which he quickly chucked back into the drawer.

"Shit, Bobby!" I exclaimed. "What the hell are you trying to do, give the woman a heart attack?"

"Just being prepared, that's all," he stated.

"We're going after one middle age woman, not a room full of crack dealers," I yelled.

"Fine," Bobby growled and put back the brass knuckles.

I rolled my eyes as Bobby armed himself to the teeth. He shrugged on his long leather trench coat and pulled a samurai sword from under his desk.

"No!" I snapped.

"Please?" Bobby pouted.

"I thought you agreed after that last time that you would stop watching Blade?" I quizzed.

Bobby looked away and shuffled his feet.

"You're not taking it, and that's final, Brown. Now put the damn sword away."

"What about if I left the crow bar?" he begged.

"No!"

"I could leave the crow bar and maybe the bamboo slivers, and take the sword instead," he mused.

"Bobby, we are professionals, not bloody ninjas or fucking mercenaries."

"We are so mercenaries," he muttered.

"Well, yeah... but you know what I mean man," I offered.

"I want her to pay!" he hissed.

"And she will, just take a fucking pill and chill bro," I soothed.

"But..."

"I know man, but remember what your therapist said. While Janet may have ruined your life, you have to remember that she is still at the mercy of her publishers. If you want to go and kick some ass, it's them you need to go after," I stated.

Bobby sighed. "You're right. Okay, I'll leave the sword if we can go after her publishers when this is over."

"Deal, now put that damn thing away."

Bobby put the sword away and we swung by Tank's office to collect him on our way to the garage. Tank was pacing the length of his office when we entered. He was dressed in his SWAT black, and was cradling an MP5 sub machine gun to his chest. His eyes were glazed and he had a grim expression on his face.

"Tank?"

"There's a crate in the garage. I've booked it on a cargo plane to Somalia," he stated.

Jesus fucking Christ! "Tank, we just need to intimidate her. There is no way we are shipping her to Somalia," I stated.

"Why?"

"Because... because we can't," I said.

"Why?"

Shit! "That was not the plan and Ric would be really pissed if we did that."

Tank put his MP5 down and sat down on the couch. "So, what the hell can we do to her?"

"We can..."

"Well?" Tank and Bobby both quizzed.

I was saved from answering, as a loud pop sounded the arrival of Diesel. He too was dressed in SWAT black and was loaded for bear. He cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Hey boys, I hear you need a little help."

I counted to ten, slowly. "Right, that's it. All of you go put the toys away. We're not leaving until all of you are carrying less than three weapons."

I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot. "I'm waiting," I stated.

Diesel pulled a face and unstrapped the semtex from around his waist. "Man, and I thought we were going to deal with Janet," he muttered as he dumped a pocket full of grenades on the desk. "You guys are no fun."


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Huge thanks to everyone reading and reviewing this fic. Sorry if I have not responded to your review personally, RL has been crazy and I have no brain cells at the moment.

* * *

The trip to Steph's place took about ten minutes. It had taken me just as long to get Tank and Diesel to remove their vast personal arsenal. What I wasn't telling them was that I had about a dozen weapons hidden about my person. While I looked nothing like a boy scout, it never hurt to be prepared. And I figured right now that I was the best choice for being in charge of the weapons, due to the problems they rest of the guys were having with their tempers.

We pulled up next to the front door and decided to bypass the lift, just our luck and we would get stuck in the damn thing. Tank rapped loudly on Steph's door and we waited while someone shuffled about, tumbling the locks.

"Oh my God, am I glad to see you guys," Steph breathed as she yanked the door open. "Janet came around again and we had to stun her for the third time, I have no idea what the hell to do with her," she babbled.

"Hey Sunshine, how's it going?" Diesel called out over my shoulder.

"Diesel, what are you doing here?" Steph asked.

Diesel shrugged, "You know me, I just pop up in the strangest of places. Now, where's that stupid, spiteful heifer?"

"Pardon?" Steph said.

"You know, the bane of my existence, the reason why I have no career anymore. Janet 'I have to write lunacy' Evanovich.

"Oh, she's in the lounge with Lula and Connie."

Diesel sashayed into the lounge. "Ladies," he purred. Tank growled, and I rolled my eyes.

"Knock it off Diesel, we're on a mission here," I chastised.

"Right," he murmured as he stopped in front of a half conscious Janet. His fingers inched towards the gun at his hip, and I punched him in the arm.

"Stop it," I hissed.

Bobby drew level with the two of us and he poked Janet in the leg with the toe of his boot.

"Ulk," Janet gurgled.

"Hmmm," Bobby mused as he slipped the box of bamboo slivers out of his coat pocket.

Shit, and I thought he had left them back at the office. What was the world coming to? I, Lester Santos the Trenton playboy and joker was suddenly the serious one.

I looked over at Tank for help, but he and Lula had vanished into the kitchen. Bugger. I heard Lula giggle, and my control snapped. "Tank, get your ass back in here," I yelled. I needed a plan, and fast.

Hang on just a minute, turnabout is fair play. "Bobby, go stick some plastic explosives on Janet's car, I think it's time for a little payback."

"Oh my," Connie giggled. "That's just too freaking funny."

Bobby looked over at me and his smile lit the room. "Brother, that's the best idea you've had all day. I'll be back in a sec."

"Wait," Steph called out as she threw him her car keys. "Move my car if you can, I like that car and I've only had it a couple of weeks."

"Sure thing love," he said with a grin as he bounded out the door, heading for the parking lot.

"Whaaaz goin' on," Janet mumbled.

"Nothing you need to worry about," Diesel responded.

"I didn't call yooo," she slurred. "You're not reeel."

"Oh, believe me, I am."

"Itz all a dreeeem," Janet muttered.

"Nope, it's a nightmare," Diesel said with a laugh.

"Argh!" Janet yelled. "Heeelp meee,"

"Not this time, sweet heart," Diesel said with a smile. "Time for a few home truths."

Suddenly the apartment door burst open and Bobby rushed back in.

"Shit!" Bobby yelled.

"What the hell?" Tank growled.

"Morelli's here," Bobby hissed. "We have to get out of here."

"How does he know what's going on?" I demanded.

Janet laughed, or at least tried to. "Fooolz. I own daat boy. I juz have tooo think, an' he come runnin'."

"Omigod, omigod, omigod," Lula breathed. "I ain't going to no damn jail. Orange is such a bad color for me. Tank, save us!"

All eyes in the room turned to me. Fuck. Think Santos, think.

"Fire escape," I yelled. "Move it."

Tank grabbed Lula and ran for Steph's bedroom, while Diesel and Bobby herded Steph and Connie after them, leaving me to guard the rear. The front door slammed open just as I put my foot on the metal of the fire escape. Shit, not even Ranger or my government contacts would be able to get us out of this mess if we got caught.

I beeped the locks on the truck as I pounded down the steps. Tank bundled Lula into the cargo area and slammed the door shut behind them, as Connie, Steph and Diesel threw themselves into the back. Bobby grabbed shot gun and I jammed the keys in the ignition, backing out of the parking space at warp speed, tires squealing.

"Blow the god damn car," I yelled at Bobby as I pealed out of the lot. "We can't have Morelli following us. We need to stall him."

Bobby hit the remote detonate and there was a loud earth shacking boom as Janet's car exploded. I could see Steph in the rear view mirror. She has her face pressed to the glass, watching the explosion with glee.

"Next time we blow up one of Janet's car, I get to do that," she murmured.

"Next time?" I quizzed as I overtook a minivan and cornered on two wheels.

"Hey!" Connie yelled from the back. "Get your face out of my breasts, you perv,"

"Ooops, sorry. I slipped," Diesel said with a laugh.

What the hell were we going to do? Janet would tell Joe who had kidnapped her, and we already knew that she could get into Rangeman. We were going to have to go into hiding until I could get a hold of Ric and figure out a plan, one that worked this time.

Where could we go? Where was the last place Janet would look for us? Of course, that was just the place! I flipped off the tracking devise; I was not taking any chances this time.

"I hope you have a plan, Santos," Tank yelled from the back. "We have company."

I checked the mirrors. Fuck, it was the cops. Morelli must have put a call out. I put my foot to the floor and shot down an alley. The blue and white followed, and I whipped the SUV across an intersection and into another alley.

I flipped the police scanner on and listened to the call for back up go out. We were so fucked. "Can't you just disappear us out of here I hissed at Diesel."

"Afraid not, man."

Shit!


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: This chapter is for my real life muse. Thanks for the suggestions babe.

* * *

"Take the next left," Tank yelled, as I battled to lose the cops behind us.

"No, you want the alley on the right," Bobby offered. "It comes out near Hamilton."

I swung the SUV down another alley, sending garbage flying in all directions. Thankfully, there were no crates of watermelons or men moving plate glass windows. By the time I had cleared the windscreen, I realised we had a huge fucking problem; the alley was a dead end.

"Fuck!" Bobby yelled as he saw the far wall fast approaching.

Steph screamed, and Connie began reciting a few Hail Mary's. I slammed the brakes on, and we screeched to a halt about two feet from the wall. The cop car came to a stop at the far end of the alley, blocking our exit.

"Shit, damn fuck," I muttered under my breath. We were well and truly busted. I looked around to the guys in the back, and gave Diesel a stern glare. "Don't you even think of poofing out of here."

Diesel fidgeted in his seat and started to sweat. I pulled my Sig from my hip and levelled the gun at him. "You are staying, do I make myself clear?"

"Yeah, sure," he muttered.

"If you so much as think about vanishing, I'll make sure every muse from here to the far reaches of Europe and Australia kicks your ass out of their bed," I growled.

"That's harsh," Diesel groused.

"But fair," Bobby countered.

I slid the Sig away just as Carl Constanza moseyed on up to my window. I powered the tinted glass down and killed the engine. "Officer," I said as politely as I could.

"Santos," Carl replied. "Going somewhere in a hurry?"

"Rangeman emergency," I lied. Well, I guess it was an emergency. We had to get as far away as possible from Trenton before the wrath of Janet hit us.

"Right," Carl mused. "And nothing to do with kidnapping, and vehicular destruction?"

"Not at all."

"Hey Carl," Steph called out from the back.

Carl rolled his eyes. "How did I know that you would have something to do with this, Steph?"

"It's not my fault," she called out.

"No, it never is," Bobby muttered from beside me.

"Morelli wants you all brought down to the station for questioning," Constanza stated.

"Morelli's an ass," Bobby mumbled, causing me to hit him in the arm to silence him.

"Oww," he hissed

"Look, Carl... we need your help," Steph said. "The woman we kidnapped was Janet Evanovich. We had to do it, she's messing up our lives."

"Janet Evanovich?" Carl quizzed. "Damn, why didn't you tell me that earlier. It's her damn fault that I've never had a chance with you, Steph. You know I've always liked you."

"I like you too, Carl," Steph said quietly, "but things have never worked out."

"It's that freaking woman," Carl growled.

"How do you know, I mean Steph could just be being polite here, Carl. She probably doesn't want to date someone like you," Bobby stated.

Okay, shoot me now. I put a hand on Bobby's arm to keep him in his seat, and shoved Carl in the chest to stop him from trying to haul Bobby out of the car through my open window. "Enough!" I snapped.

"It's true," Carl growled. "Morelli told me, and he heard it from Janet."

"Look, Carl... man you have to let us go. If you take us in, Morelli will lock us all up and throw away the keys. Please, just radio in and say that you've lost us," I pleaded.

"Half the cops in the state are looking for you guys, Santos. Even if I let you go, someone else would pick you up before you could get more than three blocks."

I thunked my head against the steering wheel, hoping from some divine inspiration. We needed a new car and we had to get out of town. Where the hell could we get a car that would be untraceable? Then it hit me, thank you God!

"We have to get to Dougie and Mooners," I announced. "We can get a new car there."

"Good thinking," Carl replied. "But how the hell are you going to get all the way over to Grant from here?"

I smiled evilly and handed Carl my secure sat phone. "Call Eddie. Get him over here and the two of you can drive us over there. No one will suspect us to be travelling in cop cars."

"Nice," Bobby commented.

"What about my SUV?" Tank wailed from the cargo area.

"We need a diversion," I stated. "Someone needs to drive this car around town. Anyone any ideas?"

"My Grandma?" Steph suggested.

"No!" Bobby, Tank and I yelled simultaneously.

"Jeez, anyone would think you guys were scared of her or something," Steph muttered.

Bobby shifted in his seat and Tank coughed, while I chose to remain silent.

"What about Big Dog?" Carl suggested.

I shrugged, "Ask him."

"Hey, man... can you come over here a second!" Carl yelled down the alley.

Big Dog ambled up the alley munching on a donut. He stopped next to Carl at my open window.

"We need to get these guys to Grant, can you take the truck and create a diversion?"

"What the hell?" Big Dog grumbled.

"It's that Evanovich woman, she set Joe on them. They have to get away, all our futures depend upon this," Carl hissed.

"Hmmm," Big dog mused.

Bobby leaned over the console, managing to plant his hand on my groin. I sucked in a breath and squirmed. Bobby sniggered and moved his hand to my thigh. Payback for punching him on the arm, no doubt.

"Look guys, help us out and we'll give you free access to our roster of muses for an entire month," he offered.

"Make it two months," Carl countered.

"Done," Bobby said.

Big Dog stuck his head in the window. "What's the story with the two of you and Morelli?"

"Set up," I stated. "We wanted to get Janet in a tizz."

"Looks like it worked," Big Dog suggested.

"Yeah," Bobby said with a grin.

"Is it true?" Carl asked.

"Is what true?" I quizzed.

"That it's only five and a half inches."

I raised an eyebrow in reply and Bobby coughed. Carl and Big Dog sniggered.

"Oi, Santos!" Steph yelled from the back. "You mean to tell me that the two of you... that Joe... that the pictures... and the call from my mother... Why me?"

There was a rustling sound and the crinkle of plastic. "Here you go girl," Lula said. "I'm thinking that you be needing one of my emergency Tasty Cakes. When you're feeling down nothing can cheer you up like a Krimpet."

"Cheers Lula," Steph mumbled around a mouthful of sugar and fat.

"I better call Eddie," Carl said, still clutching my phone.

Carl filled Eddie in on the plan, and that fact that it was true that Morelli was apparently graced with five and a half inches. I could hear Eddie laughing down the phone from where I was sitting.

"Eddie's in. He'll be here in a few minutes, he's only a couple of blocks away."

"Good," I responded, and we all piled out of the truck.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Cheers to Tricia for posting her great spam email, it was good inspiration. Huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed that last chapter.

* * *

Well, who would have thought it? Twenty minutes later, and the seven of us were crowded into Dougie's living room. We had interrupted his and Mooner's Star Trek marathon, but at least we were safe.

My plan had worked, and no one had spotted us crossing town in a couple of cop cars. Carl and Big Dog were happy with their payment of free muses for two months, and all Eddie wanted was a copy of 'that picture' of Joe for the locker room wall at the station.

Mooner looked over at us from his perch on the sofa. "Hey guys, how's it hanging?" he quizzed. He seemed pretty unfazed at the Rangeman invasion in the living room.

"We're here for a car, we need wheels," I stated.

"Sure, pull up a seat. What's going on, dudes?"

"Janet's on the loose," Steph said. "She keeps trying to set me up with Joe, so Connie stunned her. She and Lula carted Janet over to my place, and then the cavalry showed up to help out. Unfortunately, Janet has some kind of hold over Morelli and he turned up on my doorstep, so we had to get away down the fire escape. Then we had a car chase across town, but we managed to get Carl, Big Dog and Eddie to help us out. No one likes Janet messing with their lives. Oh and we blew Janet's car up," she giggled.

"That rocks dude. Janet deserves payback," Dougie muttered. "Did you know that I've been clean for over a year?"

"No way!" Lula exclaimed. "Way to go."

"I'm legit these days. I didn't want to do time, so I cleaned up my act and invested the money that Mooner and I found. We make a great living off dealing stocks and shares. I find it offensive that Janet thinks we are light comic relief."

"You deal stocks and shares?" Steph muttered in awe.

"Sure," Mooner stated. "We're not a couple of stoned bums you know. We are gentlemen of leisure. Don't worry, we'll still sell you a car. But only because we like you, well most of you. The rest of you just scare the crap out of us, and I'm worried that if we don't sell you a car, you'll shoot us," he replied, casting an uneasy glance in the direction of Tank, Bobby and I.

"We haven't got all day," Tank bitched. "We need to get out of town ASAP."

"Okay, chill dude," Dougie said. "Why don't you come out to the back, and you can browse though our generous selection of high class motor vehicles."

"Whatever," Bobby grumbled.

Bobby, Tank and I followed Dougie out into the back yard. The whole lot had been concreted over, and was filled with over a dozen cars, SUVs and minivans.

"Are these legal?" Tank demanded.

Dougie shot him a nasty glare. "Of course. Plus they come with a full warranty, all documents and all registration fees paid."

I looked over at the boys. "How much cash are the two of you carrying?"

Bobby shrugged, "A couple of grand at the most."

"Tank?"

Tank pulled his wallet out of his pocket and looked in it. "Maybe 200 dollars if I'm lucky. Lula has expensive tastes, I can't believe how much a pair of shoes can cost."

Dougie rolled his eyes. "This is a quality establishment, gentleman. We do accept cards you know."

I pulled my wallet out and checked that I had my Rangeman credit card. "Shit," I muttered. "Do you think Janet will get Morelli to check the business credit card transactions?" I quizzed.

"Fuck!" Bobby exclaimed. "You just never know. What about an IOU, Dougie?"

"Do I look like I was born yesterday?" Dougie exclaimed.

"Fine," I muttered as I pulled out my Santos Brown Enterprises platinum card. It was a good job that our muses were such high class, and that charged a lot of money for their services.

"Let's take a look at that Ford over there," Bobby suggested.

The huge black SUV looked just like one of the Rangeman trucks.

"You might want to go for the dark blue minivan," Dougie suggested.

"We want the truck," Tank growled.

"No you don't," Dougie stated. "It's an ex-Rangeman SUV. Ranger gives me the old ones and I sell them to the criminal underbelly of Trenton. With the tracking devices still active, Ranger can keep an eye on the guys I sell them to."

"Shit," Bobby muttered. "And I thought the boss was just psychic or something."

"The cunning SOB," Tank said. "I didn't know that. Whenever I asked him how the hell he knew where half our high end skips were at, he just gave me the smug look. And to think that I thought he had some inbuilt scum radar."

I shook my head, seems that the boss had been keeping secrets from us. I wonder just how many of Trenton's criminal element was riding around town in our old vehicles?

"Okay, so let's look at the minivan," I suggested.

"I ain't getting in no fucking minivan," Tank bitched.

"Yeah Les," Bobby responded. "What the hell will it look like if anyone sees us driving around in that? If it got out, I'd never get laid again. I'm Mr Smooth, and Mr Smooth does not ride around town in a minivan."

"Damn it guys!" I yelled "We are supposed to be keeping a low profile here. The last thing anyone will expect us to drive is a minivan, so that's the best choice."

"But it's dark blue, I only drive black cars," Tank groused.

"Well, it's a good thing that you're not driving then," I spat. "Dougie, show us the god damn minivan so we can get out of here."

"Step this way, gentleman. This here is a classic. Low mileage, plenty of space for shopping and the kids, cup holders, C.D player and child locks."

"Whatever, we'll take it," I grumbled, as I handed Dougie my credit card.

"Excellent choice, Mr Santos. If you would like to step back into my office, I can process your payment."

"How much is it?" Bobby quizzed.

"It's a bargain at only $8995," Dougie announced.

"Fuck," I muttered. I was paying nearly nine grand for a sodding minivan. Janet was really going to pay for this, I'd send her the bill when all this was over.

We trooped back into the house and Dougie sorted out the payment and the paperwork. Fantastic, I was now the proud owner of a minivan. This day was going from bad to worse.

Ten minutes later we bundled the girls and Diesel out of the back door and into the van. Steph sniggered, and Lula reached for an emergency Tasty Cake.

"I hope it's got a good sound system," Lula muttered.

"So, just where the hell are we going?" Steph demanded as I pulled out onto the street.

"The safest place on earth, and the only house I can think of that Janet doesn't know about," I said.

"Well, that's so helpful," Steph bitched.

"We're going to The Batcave," I announced.

Lula fainted and Connie fanned herself.

"We can't do that!" Steph shrieked.

"Why the hell not? It's a great idea," Bobby snapped. "Second best idea Santos has had all day."

"We can't go there," Steph wailed. "The Batcave is forever!"


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. Thanks to Em for answering all my odd questions about life in America that I didn't have the answers to. Cheers Babe!

* * *

The Bat Cave, or the Love Shack, as it was jokingly called in the office, was about five miles south of Trenton. The cabin sat on the small island in the middle of the Delaware, just off route 130 and opposite the Pennsbury Manor State Park. The only access was by boat, and the power ran off a generator. These girls were going to have a cow when we finally got there.

I took the 295 south out of town and then turned onto the 130. We would need to get supplies in, but a couple of us could go back out for food later. There was no way I was setting foot in a supermarket with these three women. We'd still be there at Christmas, and have nothing in our cart other than Tasty Cakes and Margarita mix.

Then again, we could have one hell of a party with that. Maybe that's not such a bad idea after all. No, I chastised myself, lets just get there and then deal with everything else.

Like calling Ric. Man, he was going to be pissed. The Love Shack was his hide away from Janet and the world. No one really knew what he got up to when he went there, and I myself was dreading what we would find.

Did it contain his personal harem? Maybe it was guarded by killer squirrels and maybe it really had a butler called Alfred. So, I could have called in advance to let Ric know we were headed there, but I figured that once we were there, he wouldn't make us leave. Probably.

I crossed the rail road tracks and pulled up to the landing stage, glad to be getting out of this small confined space at last. Bobby had snored all the damn way, Tank and Lula had been doing god knows what in the back, and Connie and Steph had been discussing what the house actually looked like. They were way off from the pictures I'd seen. Man, they were going to be so disappointed.

Diesel had spent the entire journey flipping through his little black book and writing up notes on the last muse he had been with. The guy had the nerve to rate them all on a scale of one to ten on a variety of different points.

Amanda had scored a seven on style, a nine for her breasts, a disappointing four for oral and a zero for kinkiness. It seemed that the poor girl had found Diesels furry hand cuffs quite a turn off. I had no idea who she was, but she wasn't one of my girls. Maybe she belonged to an author from a different fandom. The JE muses were the best, If I'd been crass enough to rate them; they would have got a ten in every category.

Steph jumped out of the van as soon as it stopped.

"Well," she said, as she tapped her foot impatiently, "Where is it?"

"On the island," I stated.

"You mean we aren't there yet?" Connie grumbled.

"Nope, quick boat trip first," Tank said with a grin.

"I hope it's got a Jacuzzi," Lula said, nudging Tank in the gut.

"Or a pool," Connie said hopefully.

"And a four poster bed with black satin sheets," Steph chimed in.

Jesus, they had a strange opinion of Ric. I hauled a grumbling Bobby out of the van and we pulled out the weapons crates we had managed to salvage from the back of the Rangeman SUV. It never hurt to be prepared.

I would have liked a little more fire power, maybe a few surface to air missiles too, but we were going to have to make do with what we had. I didn't trust Janet, and I had this irrational fear of her finding out where we were, and sending the National Guard in after us, or worse the Trenton branch of the Daughters of the Revolution, armed with knitting needles and four day old scones.

We loaded the weapons into the small rib and realised that we were going to have to make two trips. Five minutes and half a dozen rounds of scissor, paper, stone later, the girls had finally worked out who was coming over on the first trip.

I helped Steph into the boat, Bobby settled in the prow and Tank took the helm as I cast off the mooring lines. The trip took less than two minutes, and we beached the craft on the shore.

"Okay, dumb question, but where is this place?" Bobby muttered.

"I have no idea, I thought the two of you knew where you were going," Tank grumbled.

Oh man, could this day get any worse? I flipped open a crate and rummaged about for a machete. Bugger, it looked like machetes were not standard street issue for Rangeman Trenton.

"I know it's a long shot, but do either of you guys happen to have a machete about your person?" I quizzed.

Tank coughed and Bobby refused to meet my gaze. So much for whittling them down to three weapons each.

"Okay, one of you hand one of them over," I demanded.

"You're not having Cindy," Tank rumbled.

"What?"

"Cindy; you're not having her," he repeated.

"Who the fuck is Cindy?" Bobby asked, sounding as bemused as I was.

Tank pulled the biggest god damn machete I had ever seen from a spine sheath, and caressed it lovingly. "No one touches Cindy but me."

"Okay, Bobby give me yours," I muttered.

"Why?"

"So I can cut through the damn undergrowth until we find Ranger's place."

"I've been watching re-runs of Man Vs Wild. I should get use the machete," Bobby snapped.

Oh man... "Fine, but just remember that you'll have a hard job sewing your arm back on if you cut it off, and you're the only medic."

"Trust me Les, I'm an expert," Bobby said with a grin as he headed off towards the tree line.

"Famous last words," Tank mumbled.

"Don't even go there," I growled, as I took Steph's hand and followed the trial of decimated conifers.


	17. Chapter 17

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day..." Bobby sang from about twenty feet in front of us.

Swish, thunk, snap. The machete massacred a few more conifers and pine saplings. Steph and I weaved around the trees, hampered more by the mess Bobby was making, than the actual forest.

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day... la la la la la..."

"Doesn't he know any more of the words?" Steph grumbled.

"I have no idea," I muttered. This was torture, I wanted hazard pay. Hell, I wanted a god damn pay rise. Ric didn't pay me enough to have to deal with this shit.

We must have been hacking our way across this fucking island for about twenty minutes now, and there was still no sign of Ric's place.

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day," Bobby sang again.

"Can I borrow your gun, Les?" Steph pleaded.

"I thought you hated guns, beautiful," I teased.

"I'm willing to make an exception, now give me the gun," she gritted out.

"Can't do that darlin', I'm kinda attached to my partner. He's our only medic, and the only one who can cook."

"Fine, I'll shoot myself then," she growled.

"I'm sure he'll stop soon."

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day... doo bee doo bee doo,"

Nooo! I can't take this anymore. "Okay, let's use my tazer instead. We'll catch up with him, you call his name, and I'll blast him with a few hundred volts when he turns around. Sound like a plan?" I questioned.

Steph nodded. "Let's nail the bastard."

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all ni – Aargh!"

Thud.

What the fuck? "Bobby?" I shouted.

"Down here. I think I broke my ass! Ow, god that hurts," Bobby yelled.

We followed the trail of devastation for a few feet and stopped. Bobby was sitting at the bottom of a six foot deep pit. Man, he looked pissed.

"Well, don't just stand there, help me out," he growled.

"What the hell is going on?" Steph asked.

"Man trap," I stated. "Guess we must be getting very close to Ric's place."

"Either that, or the boss has a very sick sense of humor," Bobby groused.

"Or both," Steph said with a giggle. "Think we should help him out of there?"

"Hmmm, well that would depend," I said with a snigger.

"Depend? Depend on what?" Bobby shrieked.

"Only if you stop with the singing, bro," I said with a grin.

Bobby mumbled something we couldn't quite catch, and pulled himself to his feet. "I hate you two," he groused.

"A deal's a deal, Bobby. And besides, you're lucky you fell in there. Another thirty seconds and Lester would have zapped your ass," Steph joked.

"You were going to what?"

"Tazer you, your singing sucks big time, Bobby," Steph said matter of factly.

"You bastard, Les," Bobby snarled as he tried to pull himself out of the hole.

"Nice going, _babe__," _I muttered. "Now look what you've done. I hate it when he's grumpy."

"Sorry," Steph murmured.

"Truce, man? Look come on bro, we need to get moving."

Bobby nodded and Steph and I hauled him out of the pit.

"Shit, I lost my machete," Bobby wailed.

"I'll buy you a new one, let's just keep moving, carefully this time," I muttered.

"But I liked that machete," Bobby sniffed.

"Aww, poor Bobby," Steph teased.

"Stop baiting him, Steph. We need to find this damn place, it's going to be dark soon."

"But what about the death pit thingies? Won't there be more of them?"

"Knowing Ric, I suspect there are dozens of them. We'll just have to watch our footing," I said.

"We should mark them if we find any more. We don't want the others to fall in one," Steph suggested.

"How about a trail of bread crumbs," Bobby muttered sarcastically.

"Or Steph could leave an item of clothing on each one, that could work," I said with a lecherous grin.

"Hey! Knock it off, Les," Steph grumbled. "I was just trying to be helpful."

"What about if one of us climbed a tree, we might be able to see the cabin," Bobby mused.

The trees aren't thick enough at the top, we wouldn't get high enough to see anything," I stated.

"This just sucks," Steph sighed. "Why did I let Lula bring Janet over to my place? None of this would have happened if I had just said no."

I gave her a quick hug. "Come on girl, let's find Ric's place and I'll go back out and buy you some Tasty Cakes."

"Promise?" she said, her lower lip trembling slightly.

"Don't cry, everything will be fine," I soothed as I stroked her hair.

"Yeah, chin up Steph. Life's a war. To survive is a struggle, but we all get there in the end," Bobby said as he patted her shoulder.

"Okay, right. Let's find this place and then everything will be okay. You guys can put your super plan into action and deal with Janet, and then I can go home," she said, pulling herself together.

"Super plan?"

"Yes, that master plan you have that's going to get Janet off my back, Joe out of my life and maybe Ranger in my bed on a permanent basis."

"Jesus fucking Christ, who the hell do you think we are lady, your fairy godmother?" Bobby gasped.

"But I thought that was the plan," Steph murmured.

"I hate to break it to you, Steph, but what on earth made you think that we have a plan?" I asked

"You're Rangemen. You always have a plan, right?"

"No, sometimes we have a plan. The rest of the time we just have our charm, wit and good looks to help us," I said, giving her my best panty melting smile.

"Shit, well if that's the case, we are so screwed!" she wailed.


	18. Chapter 18

By the time we'd navigated our way through the man-traps and trip wires it was getting late. If it hadn't been for our anti-personal devise detection system, Connie, Lula and Steph would have been bored to tears. As it was, Bobby had kept us all amused by finding every hidden booby-trap that Ric had set.

How he did it, we had no idea. But by the fourth man-trap we were all howling with laughter, and Bobby was sulking. He'd refused to climb out, saying that it was safer down there in a hole. Connie had managed to lure him out, though she refused to repeat to the rest of us what she had whispered in his ear.

And then suddenly there is was, the Holy Grail of houses: The Bat Cave.

"What the hell?" Steph mumbled, "this is just so wrong."

"Pinch me, I must be dreaming," Lula exclaimed. "No, fuck that, this is a nightmare."

Connie just shook her head, muttering something in Italian under her breath.

The dilapidated single story wooden cabin sat in a small clearing, its dark green paint was peeling, the porch had half collapsed, half the roof tiles were missing, and one of the windows was boarded up.

We all looked at Bobby.

"Oh no, don't even say it. I am not opening the door and I am not going in first!" he wailed.

Bobby can be such a drama queen at times.

"Chicken," Tank baited.

Bobby glared. "No, I just don't have a death wish. Why don't you go first, Pierre?"

Tank lunged for Bobby, and the pair hit the deck with a thud, rolling around in the leaves and dirt like a pair of drunks in a bar fight.

I moved out of the way and left them to it. Besides, it was always funny to watch them do this.

"Get off me, you bastard!" Tank yelled as Bobby bitch slapped him.

"Stop pulling my hair, you girl," Bobby countered.

Diesel looked disgusted. "And this is the best Rangeman has to offer?"

"Now I feel really safe," Steph grumbled. "I guess we better get inside."

She edged around the two morons, squared her shoulders and marched up to the front door, which swung open as soon as she touched the handle. The worn hinges let out a high pitched squeal, and Steph screamed as a wood pigeon flew out from the dark recesses of the cabin and brushed against her face.

"I'm okay, it's cool," she said in a shaky voice.

I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her and then made my way inside the dusty, one room building – no, make that shack.

It looked like no one had been here in years, but we had seen no other dwelling and all this security surrounding the place meant that it must be hiding something.

I scanned the room. Large fireplace at one end, with an old armchair and a tea chest for a coffee table in front of it. A pot bellied stove at the other and a battered table with a scattering of tins and pans next to it.

A small bed was pushed against the back wall; it was neatly made and covered in a thread bear patch work quilt. This was not what I was expecting from Ric at all.

The rest of the guys had trailed in after us, and they looked as shocked as we did.

Steph looked heartbroken – her dream of The Batcave had been crushed to smithereens in the blink of an eye. She sniffled and walked back outside into the cool evening.

I followed her outside and joined her on the ramshackle porch. "You okay?" I quizzed.

Steph shrugged noncommittally and looked away.

"Look, we must have the wrong cabin, baby," I suggested.

She turned back to face me and sighed. "You know, he always told me that The Batcave was forever and I'd thought that it would be some fantastic place, but this… shit Lester, this is just a bit of a letdown, that's all."

"I know what you mean, darlin', I really do," I soothed. "Hell, I was expecting something else myself. I know that Ric likes to rough it on occasion, but even I think this is going a bit too far."

Steph held out her hand. "Walk with me for a while?" she asked.

"Sure thing. You want me to get Bobby so he can find the booby traps for us?"

"No, I think we'll be fine," she laughed.

We walked in silence through the forest for about a hundred yards, stopping at the edge of the tree line. The setting sun was turning the water of the lake a pink color and I looked over at the nature reserve on the other side, feeling a sense of calm for the first time today.

Steph and slid her arm around my waist and I pulled her close, dropping a friendly kiss on top of her head.

"What a mess," she said with a sigh.

I smiled. "Can't rain all the time, beautiful, we'll figure something out."

"I know, I just feel a little bit thrown by all this," she explained.

"Tell me about it," I grinned.

"Look at the huge boat out there," she said, pointing at a very large cruiser moored fifty yards off shore, "why can't Ranger live there instead?"

I looked over at the luxury craft and it swung around on its anchor slightly on the current, so the bow was facing us. The vessel's name was emblazoned on the back in large, black gothic script. Son of a fucking bitch! I guess we'd found The Batcave after all. The sneaky bastard – that cabin was just a smokescreen.

I nudged Steph and pointed. "Do you see what I see?"

She squinted slightly to read the name and clapped her hand over her mouth in shock. "It says: The Batcave," she stage whispered.

"Should we tell the rest of them about this?" I asked.

Steph bit her lower lip and actually seriously considered my question. "I'm tempted to say no," she said with a sly smile.

I backed her against a tree, planted my hands on her hips, pressed myself against her and kissed the living daylights out of her.

"Oh god," she moaned as I rubbed against her. "You are an evil man, Lester Santos."

"I know," I whispered huskily, "and I think you might be right about not telling the rest of them, beautiful. Just think of the fun we could have exploring The Batcave."


End file.
